miércoles, 28 de abril de 2021

It's the fault of the Tlaxcaltecas, by Elena Garro (Translated by Patricia Wahl)

Nacha heard them calling at the kitchen door and froze. When they insisted, she opened it reluctantly and looked out into the night. Laura appeared with a finger over her lips in a sign of silence. She was still wearing the white suit, burnt and soiled with dirt and blood.

`Señora!' whispered Nacha.

Señora Laura entered softly and looked with interrogating eyes at the cook. Later, confident, she sat down next to the stove and examined her kitchen as if she had never seen it before.

`Nachita, give me some coffee. . . I'm cold.'

`Señora, the señor...the señor will kill you. We had already given you up for dead.'

`For dead?'

Laura stared in amazement at the white tiles, drew her feet up on the chair, clasped her knees and became pensive. Nacha put the water on to boil for coffee and looked sideways at her mistress; she couldn't think of anything else to say. Laura rested her head on her knees, she seemed very sad.

`You know, Nacha? It's the fault of the tlaxcaltecas.'

Nacha didn't answer, preferring to stare at the water that wasn't boiling.

Outside, the night erased the roses in the garden and pulled shadows over the fig trees. Far behind the branches, the illuminated windows burned from the neighbors' houses. The kitchen was separated from the world by an invisible wall of sadness, by a compass of hope.

`Don't you agree, Nacha?'

`Yes, señora...'

`I am like them: a traitor...' Laura said mournfully.

The cook folded her arms in hopes the water would boil.

`And you, Nachita, are you a traitor?'

She looked at her expectantly. If Nacha shared her disloyalty, she would understand her, and Laura needed someone to understand her that night.

Nacha reflected a moment, turning to look again at the water that was beginning to boil noisily. She poured it over the coffee and the hot aroma helped made her comfortable around her mistress.

`Yes, I too am a traitor, señora Laurita.'

Satisfied, she served the coffee in a white cup, put in two lumps of sugar and placed it in front of Laura who, deep in thought, took some small sips.

`You know, Nachita? Now I know why we have so many accidents on the infamous road to Guanajuato. At Thousand Peaks we ran out of gas. Margarita was scared because it was already getting dark. A trucker gave us enough to get to Morelia. At Cuitzeo, when crossing the white bridge, the car stopped suddenly. Margarita got upset with me, you know how empty roads and Indians' eyes frighten her. When a car full of tourists came by, she went to the pueblo to look for a mechanic and I stayed in the middle of the white bridge that crosses the dried lake with a bottom of white stones. The light was very white and the bridge, the stones and the automobile began to float in it. Then the light broke into many pieces until it became a thousand points and began to spin until it was fixed like a picture. Time had taken a complete turn, like when you look at a postcard and then turn it over to see what's written on back. That was how I came to the lake of Cuitzeo, to the other girl that I was. Light produces these catastrophes, when the sun turns white and one is at the center of its rays. Thoughts also become a thousand points, and you suffer vertigo. In that moment, I saw the texture of my white dress and in that instant I heard his steps. I wasn't surprised. I looked up and I saw him coming. In that instant, I also remembered the magnitude of my treason, I was afraid and tried to run away. But time closed in on me. It became rare and dying, and I couldn't move from the seat of the automobile. "Some day you will find yourself faced with your actions changed into solid stone like that one," they told me as a child when showing me the image of some god, I don't remember which one now. One forgets, right Nachita? but only for a while. Back then, the words also seemed to me like stone, but like a crystalline and fluid rock. The stone would solidify at the end of each word, to remain written forever in time. Weren't those the words of your elders?'

Nacha reflected for a few moments, then convinced, she agreed.

`So they were, señora Laurita.'

`The terrible thing is, I discovered in that instant that all the unbelievable is real. There he came, moving along the edge of the bridge, with his skin burned by the sun and the weight of defeat over his naked shoulders. His steps rang like dried leaves. His eyes were brilliant. From far away their black spark reached me and I saw his black hair waving in the blinding light of our meeting. Before I could avoid it, he was in front of my eyes. He stopped, grabbed the door of the car and looked at me. He had a cut in his left hand, his hair was full of dust, and from the wound on his shoulder dripped blood so red that it seemed black. He didn't say anything to me. But I knew that he was running, defeated. He tried to tell me that I deserved to die, and at the same time he told me that my death would bring about his own. He was wounded, badly hurt, in search of me.

`It's the fault of the tlaxcaltecas,' I told him.

He turned and looked at the sky. Afterwards, his eyes rested on mine once again.

"`What have you been up to?' he asked with his profound voice. I couldn't tell him that I had married, because I am married to him. There are things you just can't say, you know that, Nachita.

"`And the others?' I asked him.

"`Those who came out alive are in the same situation as I am.'" I saw that each word hurt his tongue and I stopped talking, thinking of the shame of my treason.

"`You already know that I am afraid and that's way I betray...'

"`I already know,' he answered and hung his head. He has known me since childhood, Nacha. His father and mine were brothers and we were cousins. He always loved me, at least he said that, and so everyone believed it. On the bridge I was ashamed. The blood flowed onto his chest. I took out a handkerchief from my purse and without a word, I began to wipe it off. I always loved him, too, Nachita, because he is the opposite of me: he is not afraid and he is not a traitor. He took my hand and looked at me.

"`It's very faded, it looks like one of their hands,' he told me.

"`It's been a while since I've been in the sun.' He lowered his eyes and dropped my hand. We stood that way, in silence, listening to the blood run over his chest. He never reproached me, knowing well of what I'm capable. But the little threads of his blood wrote on his chest that his heart continued to hold my words and my body. There I found out Nachita, that time and love are one and the same.

"`And my house?' I asked.

"`Let's go see it.' He took hold of me with his warm hand, like he used to grab his shield and I realized that he wasn't carrying it. "He lost it in flight," I thought, and I let him lead. His steps sounded in the light of Cuitzeo the same as in the other light: hushed and calm. We walked through the city burning at the water's edge. I closed my eyes. I already told you, Nacha, that I am a coward. Or maybe it was the smoke and dust that brought my tears. I sat down on a rock and covered my face with my hands.

"`I'm not walking anymore...' I told him.

"`We're already here,' he answered. He squatted down next to me and with the tip of his fingers he stroked my white dress.

"`If you don't want to see what it looks like, don't see it,' he said gently.

His black hair sheltered me. He was not angry, he was no longer sad. Before I never would have dared to kiss him, but now I have learned to not have reverence for a man, and I put my arms around his neck and kissed him on the mouth.

"`You have always had the most precious place in my heart,' he said. He looked down at the ground covered with dried stones. With one of them he drew two parallel lines that he extended until they joined and became only one.

"`This is you and I,' he said without raising his eyes. I, Nachita, remained silent.

"`It won't be long before time runs out and we are only one...that's why I have come looking for you.' I had forgotten, Nacha, that when time runs out, the two of us must remain one in the other in order to enter in real time converted into one. When he told me this, I looked in his eyes. Before, I would have dared to look into them only when he made love to me, but now, as I already told you, I have learned not to respect the eyes of a man. It is also true that I didn't want to watch what was happening around me...I am really a coward. I remembered the screams and I listened again: shrill, blazing in the middle of the morning. I also heard the blows of the stones and I saw them whizzing over my head. He kneeled in front of me and crossed his arms over my head to make me a little roof.

"`This is the end of man,' I said.

"`So it is,' he answered with his voice over mine. And I saw myself in his eyes and in his body. Could it be a stag that carried me to his side? Or a star that hurled me out to write signs in the sky? His voice wrote symbols of blood on my chest and my white dress was striped like a red and white tiger.

"`I will return at night, wait for me...' he whispered. He grabbed his shield and looked at me from far above.

"`It won't be long before we are one,' he added with his usual politeness.

When he left, I heard once again the shouts of combat and I left, running in the shower of stones, and I lost myself on the way to the stalled car on the bridge of the Lake of Cuitzeo.

"`What happened? Are you hurt?' Margarita shouted at me when I came. Frightened, she touched the blood on my white dress and pointed out the blood on my lips and the dirt that had fallen in my hair. From another car, the mechanic from Cuitzeo looked at me with his dead eyes.

"`Those savage indians!...A woman shouldn't be left alone!' he said when jumping from his car supposedly to help me.

"At dusk we arrived in Mexico city. How it had changed, Nachita, I almost couldn't believe it! At noon the warriors were still there, and now not even a trace. Nor was there any rubble left. We went through silent and sad Zócalo; there was nothing left of the other plaza, nothing! Margarita looked at me suspiciously. When we came to the house, you greeted us. Do you remember?"

Nacha nodded. It was certainly true that only two short months ago señora Laurita and her mother-in-law had left to visit Guanajuato. The night that she had returned, Josefina the maid and she, Nacha, had noticed blood on the dress and the absent eyes of the señora, but Margarita, the older señora indicated that they should be quiet. She seemed very worried. Much later Josefina told her that at the table the señor sat staring angrily at his wife and told her:

`Why didn't you change? Do you enjoy remembering the bad?'

Señora Margarita, his mother, had already told him what happened and she made a sign as if to say: "Be quiet! Have pity on her!" Señora Laurita didn't answer: she stroked her lips and smiled knowingly. Then the señor spoke again of President LópezMateos.

"`You know that's all he talks about,'" Josefina had commented disdainfully."

In their hearts both women believed that señora Laurita grew bored listening to constant talk of the President and of official visits.

`The way things are, Nachita, I had never noticed how much Pablo bored me until that night!' commented the señora, clasping her knees affectionately and suddenly admitting this to Josefina and to Nachita.

The cook crossed her arms and nodded. `Ever since I entered this house, the furniture, the vases and the mirrors overwhelmed me and left me sadder than I already was. How many days, how many years will I still have to wait for my cousin to come for me? I told myself this and regretted my treason. When we were eating dinner I noticed that Pablo didn't speak with words but with letters. And I started to count them while I watched his thick mouth and his dead eye. Suddenly he was quiet. You know that he forgets everything. He sat with his arms down. "This new husband doesn't have a memory and doesn't know more than daily things." '

"`You have a troubled and confused husband,' he told me looking again at the stains on my dress. My poor mother-in-law grew flustered and since we were drinking coffee, she got up to play a twist.

"`To cheer you up,' she told us with a fake smile, because she saw the fight coming.

"We remained quiet. The house filled with noises. I looked at Pablo. `He reminds me of...' and I didn't dare say his name for fear that he would read my thoughts. It's true that he is like him, Nacha. Both of them enjoy water and cool houses. Both look at the sky in the afternoon and they have black hair and white teeth. But Pablo speaks in short bursts, gets furious for no reason and constantly asks: `What are you thinking about?' My cousin husband doesn't say or do any of that."

`It's true! It's true that the señor is a pain in the ass!' said Nacha with disgust.

Laura sighed and looked at her cook with relief. At least she had her as a confidante.

`During the night, while Pablo kissed me, I would repeat to myself: "When will he come for me?" And I almost cried at the memory of the blood from his shoulder wound. Neither could I forget his arms crossed over my head to shelter me. At the same time I was afraid that Pablo would notice that my cousin had kissed me in the morning. But no one noticed anything, and if it hadn't been for Josefina who frightened me in the morning, Pablo never would have known.'

Nachita agreed. It was Josefina with her love of scandal who was to blame for it all. She, Nacha, had warned her: "Shut up! Keep quiet, for the love of God. There's probably a good reason why they didn't hear our shouts!" But, of course, Josefina had hardly entered the master bedroom with the breakfast tray when she let loose what should have been kept quiet.

"Señora, last night a man was spying through the window of your room! Nacha and I screamed and screamed!"

"We heard nothing..." the señor said, surprised.

"It's him...!" cried the señora without thinking.

"Who is `him'?" asked the señor, looking at the señora as if he were going to kill her. At least this is what Josefina said afterwards.

Terrified, the se$ora put her hand over her mouth and when the señor asked the same question over, each time with more anger, she responded:

"The indian...the indian that followed me from Cuitzeo to Mexico City..."

That was how Josefina found out about the indian and that was how she told it to Nachita.

"We have to call the police immediately!" shouted the señor.

Josefina showed him the window through which the stranger had been peering and Pablo examined it carefully: on the sill were traces of almost fresh blood.

"He's wounded..." said the señor, preoccupied. He walked into the bedroom and stopped in front of his wife.

"It was an indian, señor," Josefina corroborated Laura's words.

Pablo saw the white suit thrown over a chair and he seized it viciously.

"Can you explain to me the origin of these stains?"

The señora remained silent, looking at the blood stains over the breast of her suit, and the señor struck the dresser with a fist. Then he walked over to the señora and gave her a hard slap. This is what Josefina saw and heard.

`His looks are savage and his conduct is as incoherent as his words. It is not my fault that he accepted defeat,' said Laura with disdain.

`That's right,' agreed Nachita.

There was a long silence in the kitchen. Laura traced the bottom of the cup with the tip of her finger to pick up the black powder of the coffee that had settled there and Nacha, on seeing this, got up to serve her more hot coffee.

`Drink your coffee, señora,' she said in sympathy with her employer's sorrow. After all, what could the señor complain about? From a mile away, it was obvious that Laura was too good for him.

`I fell in love with Pablo on a highway during one minute in which he reminded me of someone I knew, but whom I'd forgotten. Later, at times, I would recall that instant in which it seemed he would change into that other whom he resembled. But it wasn't true. Immediately he became absurd, without memory, and he only repeated the gestures of all of the men of Mexico City. How did you expect me not to realize the deceit? When he gets angry he doesn't let me go out. As you well know! How many times does he pick a fight in cinemas and restaurants? You know it, Nachita. On the other hand, my cousin husband never, but never, gets angry at a woman.'

Nacha knew that what the señora told her now was true, because of that morning when Josefina appeared in the kitchen frightened and crying, "Wake up señora Margarita, the señor is beating the señora!" She, Nacha, ran to the room of the older señora.

The presence of his mother calmed señor Pablo. Margarita remained very surprised to hear of the incident of the indian because she had not seen him in the Lake of Cuitzeo, she had only seen the blood that we could all see.

"Perhaps in the Lake you had sun-stroke, Laura, and you suffered a nose bleed. You see, son, we had the top of the convertible down." She said this almost without knowing what to say. The señora Laura lay face down on the bed and buried herself in her thoughts while her husband and her mother-in-law argued.

`You know, Nachita, what I was thinking that morning? What if he had seen me last night when Pablo kissed me? And I wanted to cry. In that moment I remembered that when a man and a woman love each other and don't have children, they are condemned to become one. That is what my other father used to tell me whenever I brought him water and he stared at the door behind which my cousin and I slept. Everything that my other father had told me is coming true now. From the pillow I heard the words of Pablo and Margarita and they were nothing but nonsense. "I'm going to look for him," I told myself. "But where?" Much later, when you came to my room to ask what we should have for dinner, a thought came to my head: "To the café Tacuba!" And I didn't even know that restaurant, Nachita, I only knew it by name.'

Nacha remembered the señora as if she were seeing her right now, putting on her white dress stained with blood, the same one she was wearing this moment in the kitchen.

"For God's sake, Laura, don't put on that dress!" said her mother-in-law. But she paid her no mind. To cover the stains, she put on a white sweater over it, buttoned to the neck, and she went out in the street without saying good bye. Afterwards came the worst. No, not the worst. The worst would come now in the kitchen, if señora Margarita managed to wake up.

`There was nobody at the café Tacuba. It's a very sad place, Nachita. A waiter came up to me. "What can I get you?" I didn't want anything, but I had to order something. "A cocada." My cousin and I ate coconuts as kids...In the café a clock kept the time. "In all the cities there are clocks that keep time, it must be slipping away. When there is only a transparent layer remaining, he will come and the two drawn lines will become only one and I will live in the most precious part of his heart." That is what I told myself while I ate the cocada.

`"What time is it?" I asked the waiter.

`"Twelve o'clock, señorita."

`"Pablo comes at one," I told myself, "if tell a taxi to take the beltway home, I can still wait a bit longer." But I didn't wait and I went out into the street. The sun was silver- plated, my thoughts became a brilliant powder and there was no present, past or future. On the sidewalk my cousin stood in front of me, his eyes were sad, he stared at me for a long time.

`"What have you been up to?" he asked me with his profound voice.

`"I was waiting for you."

He stood still like a panther. I saw his black hair and the red wound on his shoulder.

`"Weren't you afraid of being here alone?"

`The stones and cries began whizzing around us and I felt something burning behind me.

`"Don't look," he told me.

`He knelt on one knee and with his fingers smothered my dress that had begun to burn. I saw his grieving eyes.

`"Take me away from here!" I shouted with all my might because I remembered that I was in front of my father's house, that the house was burning and that behind me my parents and my brothers and sisters lay dead. I saw everything reflected in his eyes while he had one knee on the ground smothering my dress. I let myself fall over him so he would hold me in his arms. With his warm hand he covered my eyes.

`"This is the end of man," I told him with my eyes beneath his hand.

`"Don't look at it!"

`He held me against his heart. I heard it like thunder rolling over the mountains. How much longer before time would stop and I could hear it forever? My tears refreshed his hand that burned in the fire of the city. The shouts and the stones drew closer to us, but I was safe against his chest.

`"Sleep with me..." he said in a very low voice.

`"Did you see me last night?" I asked.

`"I saw you..."

`We slept in the light of the morning, in the heat of the fire. When we awakened, he stood up and grabbed his shield.

`"Hide until dawn. I will come for you."

`He left running, his naked legs moving swiftly...and I escaped again, Nachita, because I was afraid by myself.

`"Señorita, do you feel sick?"

`A voice like Pablo's came close to me in the middle of the street.

`"You fool! Leave me alone!"

`A taxi took me home by the beltway and I made it...'

Nacha remembered her arrival: she had opened the door for her. And it was she who had given her the news. Josefina came down later, tripping over the stairs.

"Señora, the señor and señora Margarita are at the police station!"

Laura stared at her in surprise, silent.

"Where did you go, señora?"

"I went to the café Tacuba."

"But that was two days ago."

Josefina was carrying the "Latest News." She read it out loud: "The señora Aldama is still missing. It is believed that the sinister individual with an indigenous appearance who followed her from Cuitzeo is a madman. The police are investigating in the states of Michoacán and Guanajuato."

Señora Laurita wrenched the newspaper from Josefina's hands and tore it up angrily. Then she went to her room. Nacha and Josefina followed her, it was better to not leave her alone. They saw her throw herself over her bed and dream with her eyes wide open. The two had the same thought and they told each other so later on in the kitchen: "It seems to me that señora Laurita is in love." When the señor arrived, they were still in the bedroom of their mistress.

"Laura!" he cried. He rushed to the bed and took his wife in his arms.

"Love of my life!" sobbed the señor.

Señora Laurita seemed moved for a few seconds.

"Señor!" shouted Josefina. "The señora's dress has been scorched."

Nacha looked at her disapprovingly. The señor scrutinized the señora's dress and legs.

"It's true..even the soles of her shoes are burnt. My love, what happened? Where were you?"

"At the café Tacuba" answered the señora composedly.

Señora Margarita wrung her hands and drew close to her daughter-in-law.

"We already know that the day before yesterday you were there and that you ate a cocada. And then?"

"Then I took a taxi and I came home on the beltway."

Nacha lowered her eyes, Josefina opened her mouth as if to say something and señora Margarita bit her lip. Pablo, on the other hand, seized his wife by the shoulders and shook her forcefully.

"Stop playing the fool! Where were you for two days?...Why is your dress burned?"

"Burned? But he smothered it..." Laura blurted out.

"Him?...That disgusting indian?" Pablo shook her again in his fury.

"He found me at the door of the café Tacuba..." cried the señora, frightened to death.

"I never thought you were so low!" said the señor, and he pushed her back on the bed.

"Tell us who he is," asked her mother-in-law, softening her voice.

`It's true, isn't it Nachita, that I couldn't tell them he was my husband?' Laura sought her cook's approval.

Nacha commended the discretion of her employer, and remembered that day at noon that, she, distressed by the condition of her mistress, had suggested:

"Perhaps the indian of Cuitzeo is a witch."

But señora Margarita turned on her with glaring eyes and responded almost screaming:

"A witch? You mean an assassin!"

Afterwards, they would not let señora Laurita leave the house for many days. The señor ordered that the windows and doors of the house be guarded. The cook and the maid checked in on the señora continually. Nacha refrained from expressing her opinion on the matter or from speaking about peculiar incidents. But, who could silence Josefina?

"Señor, at dawn the indian was at the window again," she announced while bringing in the breakfast tray.

The señor rushed to the window and found more evidence of fresh blood. The señora began to cry.

"Poor thing!...poor thing!..." she said between sobs.

It was that afternoon when the señor arrived with a doctor. From then on, the doctor returned every evening.

`He asked me about my childhood, about my mother and my father. But, I, Nachita, didn't know which childhood, nor which father nor which mother he wanted to know about. That's why I told him about the Conquest of Mexico. You understand me, don't you?' asked Laura peering over the yellow saucepans.

`Yes, señora...' And Nachita, nervous, scrutinized the garden through the kitchen window. The night barely let one see among its shadows. She remembered the señor's loss of appetite at dinner and the afflicted expression of his mother.

"Mama', Laura told the doctor the History of Bernal Di'az del Castillo. She says that it's the only thing that interests her."

Señora Margarita dropped her fork.

"My poor child, your wife is insane!"

"She speaks only of the fall of the great Tenochtitlán," added Pablo in a gloomy tone.

Two days later, the doctor, señora Margarita and Pablo decided that Laura's depression was increasing with her isolation. She should have contact with the outside world and face her responsibilities. From that day on, the señor ordered a car to take his wife to Chapultepec for short strolls. The señora would leave accompanied by her mother-in-law and the chauffeur had orders to watch her closely. But the air from the eucalyptus trees didn't improve her health, because as soon as she returned to the house, señora Laurita would lock herself in her room to read The Conquest of Mexico by Bernal Díaz.

One morning señora Margarita returned from Chapultepec alone and disheartened.

"That crazy woman escaped!" she shouted in a thunderous voice as soon as she entered the house."

`Imagine, Nacha, I sat down on the usual bench and I told myself: "He won't forgive me. A man can forgive one, two, three, four betrayals, but not a permanent betrayal." This thought made me very sad. It was hot out and Margarita bought a vanilla ice cream; I didn't want any, so she sat in the automobile to eat it. I noticed that she was as bored with me as I was with her. I don't like being constantly watched and I tried to look at other things so I wouldn't see her eating her cone and watching me. I saw the grey moss that hung from the pines and I don't know why, but the morning became as sad as those trees. "The trees and I have seen the same catastrophes," I told myself. Along the empty street the hours strolled alone. I was like the hours, alone on an empty street. My husband had contemplated my eternal betrayal through the window and had abandoned me on that street made of things which did not exist. I remembered the smell of the leaves of corn and the whispered rumor of his steps. "That is how he walked with the rhythm of dried leaves when the wind of February carries them over the stones. I never used to have to turn my head to know that he was there watching me from behind"...I was thinking these sad thoughts when I heard the sun slip away and the dry leaves begin to stir. I felt his breath on my back, then he was in front of me, I saw his bare feet in front of mine. He had a scratch on his knee. I raised my eyes and found myself beneath his. We stood for a long time without speaking. Out of respect I waited for his words.'

`"What have you been up to?" he said.

`I saw that he didn't stir and that he seemed sadder than before.

`"I was waiting for you," I answered.

`"The last day is coming...."

`It seemed to me that his voice came from the bottom of time. Blood continued to flow from his shoulder. I was filled with shame, lowered my eyes, opened my purse and took out a handkerchief to wipe his chest. Then I put it away. He stood still, watching me.

`"Let's go to the exit of Tacuba...There are many betrayals..."

`He took my hand and we walked among the people, who were yelling and whimpering. There were many dead floating in the water of the canals. There were women sitting in the grass watching them float. The stench was everywhere and the children ran crying from one end to the other, having lost their parents. I watched everything without wanting to see it. The smashed canoes carried nothing but sadness. My husband sat me beneath a broken tree. He put one knee on the ground and attentively watched the events around us. He wasn't afraid. Afterwards he looked at me.

`"I know you're a traitor and that you have affection for me. The good grows together with the bad."

`I could hardly hear him over the children's cries. They came from far way, but they were so strong that they ruptured the light of the day. It seemed like it was the last time they would cry.

`"It's the children..." he told me.

`"This is the end of man," I repeated, because I could think of nothing else to say.

`He put his hands over my ears and then held me against his chest.

`"As a traitor I met you and as such I loved you."

`"You were born unlucky," I said. I clasped him to me. My cousin husband closed his eyes to keep in the tears. We lay down together over the broken branches of the piru'. The shouts of the warriors, the stones, and the children's tears reached us there.

`"Time is coming to an end..." sighed my husband.

`Through a crevice escaped the women who didn't wish to die along with the day. The ranks of men fell one after the other, in cadence as if they were gathered up by hand and the same blow knocked them all down. Some of them shrieked so loudly that the sound resonated a long while after their death.

`Little time remained before we would become one forever, when my cousin got up, gathered branches and made me a small cave.

`"Wait for me here."

`He looked at me and left to fight with the hope of avoiding defeat. I remained huddled up. I tried not to see the fleeing people to avoid temptation, and I tried not to see the bodies that floated in the water to avoid the tears. I began to count the small fruit that hung from the broken branches: they were dry and when I touched them with my fingers the red rinds fell from them. I don't know why that seemed a bad omen, but I preferred to look at the sky, which began to grow dark. First it became brown, then it began to take on the color of those drowned in the canals. I sat there remembering the colors of other afternoons. But the afternoon became bruised, swelling, as if suddenly it was going to burst and it I realized that time was up. If my cousin didn't return, what would become of me? Perhaps he was already dead in battle. His fate no longer mattered to me and I left that place as fast as I could, pursued by my own fear. "When he arrives and looks for me..." I didn't have time to finish my thought because I found myself in the twilight of Mexico city. "Margarita must have finished her vanilla ice cream and Pablo must be very mad"...A taxi took me home on the beltway. And do you know, Nachita, that the beltways were those canals infested with cadavers? That is why I arrived so sad...Now, Nachita, don't tell the señor that I spent the night with my husband.'

Nachita settled her hands over her lilac skirt.

`Señor Pablo has already been gone ten days to Acapulco. He became very weak during the weeks of the investigation,' explained Nachita with satisfaction.

Laura looked at her without surprise and sighed with relief.

`The one who is up there is señora Margarita,' added Nacha raising her eyes to the kitchen ceiling.

Laura clasped her knees and looked out the windows at the roses erased by the nocturnal shadows and at the lights of the neighboring windows that were beginning to go out.

Nachita poured salt over the back of her hand and ate it as if it were candy.

`So many coyotes! The pack is excited!' she said with a voice full of salt.

Laura sat still, listening a few moments. `Damned animals, you should have seen them this afternoon,' she said.

`As long as they don't obstruct the señor's travel or make him take the wrong road,' commented Nacha, afraid.

`If he's never been afraid of them, why should he be afraid of them tonight?' asked Laura, irritated.

Nacha drew close to her employer to emphasize the sudden intimacy established between them. `They are weaker than the tlaxcaltecas,' she told her in a low voice.

The two women sat quietly. Nacha devoured little by little another small mound of salt. Laura listened worriedly to the howls of the coyotes that filled the night. It was Nacha who saw him coming and who opened the window.

`Señora!...He has come for you...' she whispered to her in a voice so low that only Laura could hear it.

Afterwards, when Laura had already left with him forever, Nachita washed the blood from the window and chased off the coyotes, who came into her century, a century ended in just that instant. Nacha checked with her ancient eyes in order to see if everything was in order: she washed the coffee cup, threw the cigarette butts stained with lipstick into the wastecan, set the coffee pot in the cupboard and turned out the light.

`I say that señora Laurita was not from this time, nor was she meant for the señor,' she said in the morning, when she carried breakfast to señora Margarita.

`I no longer feel at home in the Aldama house. I am going to look for another job. I told Josefina.' And when the maid wasn't looking, Nacha left without even collecting her pay.

sábado, 24 de abril de 2021

Creo que te inventé en mi mente, Claudia Apablaza

Get along with the voices inside of my head

Rihanna



IRÉ A BENIDORM esta vez. Ordeno mi bolso, pongo un cepillo de dientes, una toalla, una muda de ropa, algo para comer. Salgo de casa. Llego a la estación. Cuando agarro el tren para ir a Benidorm, me arrepiento de no haber tomado un avión para esta ciudad horrible, y como dicen, uno de los mejores atractivos del mediterráneo. Primero debo llegar a Valencia, luego tomar un bus interurbano que me llevará al pueblito en que Sylvia Plath y Ted Hughes fueron a pasar su luna de miel, luego de que pasaran por París y Madrid, todo antes de que ella se suicidara.

Dicen que estaban enamorados. Dicen que se amaban. Leí las cartas de Sylvia a Ted. Se decían cosas linda. Cosas de amor.

Estuvieron un mes en ese sitio escribiendo sus textos, leyendo y asombrándose de la ruralidad de entonces: vacas, muchas nubes y árboles frutales.

Al llegar a Valencia me bajo del tren y entro en un bar para tomar un café con leche, me fumo un cigarrillo y observo los cuadros colgados en las murallas, cuadros horribles por lo demás; cuadros pintados para estimular, seguramente para olvidarse del suicidio de Sylvia.

Saco mi libreta para dibujar y me dedico a hacer un retrato de mi compañero de asiento, que se me ha quedado pegado en la retina. Mi compañero de asiento es un chico guapo. De repente sentí ganas de besarlo ahí mismo, para luego no hablarle más y dejarlo abandonado en el primer pueblo fantasma que pasáramos.

Lamentablemente en el segundo pueblo que pasamos, se subió una mujer y se sentó con él, le dio un beso en la boca que me dio asco por el exceso de saliva que se salpicó en sus mejillas. Ambos se bajaron antes de llegar a Valencia y cortaron así toda mi fantasía romántica de tener uno de esos antiguos amantes en pueblos fantasmas perdidos en otros países, que visitas cada tanto y no te exige más que besos y regalos, chocolates, bombones, viajes y saliva salpicada, todo a cambio de nada.

De Valencia me voy a Gandía y de allí a Benidorm. Gandía, tal como dice en la Wikipedia: “…es una ciudad de la Comunidad Valenciana y se encuentra situada en el sureste de la provincia de Valencia. Es la capital de la comarca de La Safor. Uno de los principales destinos turísticos españoles, por lo que en verano la ciudad triplica su población hasta llegar, en agosto, a los 350.000 habitantes”.

El bus va repleto de unos turistas con playeras de colores y floreadas. Comen bocadillos de patata en el bus y dejan todo de un aroma que a ratos me desagrada muchísimo. Sale un olor a papas fritas, me tapo la nariz con un pañuelo. Bebo un poco de agua. Me pongo mis lentes oscuros y recuerdo que he venido a Benidorm, más que para observar todo este horrible panorama, para huir del sentimiento del amor. El amor a un vecino, un chico que conocí hace meses. A veces viajo para olvidar, para dejar atrás todo.

En principio, debo confesar que no quería venir a Benidorm. Yo no quería subirme a este bus con aroma a patata y sentir arcadas. Yo no quería enamorarme de ese vecino. Tampoco ver cómo la saliva de un baboso se salpicaba en la boca de su novia. Yo no quería llegar a esta ciudad a la que acabamos de llegar. Es la ciudad más horrible que he visto en mi vida, hay carteles que dicen la California de España y en la Wikipedia ponían incluso: “… Aqualandia, la California de España, se trata de uno de los destinos turísticos más importantes y conocidos de todo el Mediterráneo gracias a sus playas y su vida nocturna”.

Leí en un periódico que era el sitio en que habían veraneado Sylvia Plath y Ted, y más que veraneado, pasado su dichosa luna de miel. Por eso me conformo y sé que aunque sea la ciudad más turística del mundo, por lo menos, Sylvia y Ted pasaron acá su luna de miel.

Me bajo del bus, los turistas aplauden haber llegado a Benidorm. Miro con una mueca de burla a una de las mujeres que aplaude desaforada. Ella se parece a mi vecino, tal vez es su hermana. Luego deja de aplaudir y se pone a llorar. Me voy rápido caminando, no quiero volver a verla en mi vida. No ver en todas las caras, la cara de mi vecino.

Saco el mapa que compré en la estación de Valencia. Lo abro, lo pongo en el suelo y me siento tan mal como la mujer que hacía muecas hace un rato. Desde hace meses que me siento mal, muy mal, como bolsa desechable y plástica, de esas verdes del supermercado del Bon Preu.

Pongo el mapa en el suelo. No debería hacer esto en el suelo, me van a confundir con una turista desquiciada; pensarán que también vengo a hacer esas cosas como jugar paletas en la playa, conmoverme, broncearme, usar camisas floreadas y buscar chicos aburridos por el día, tomar unos tragos, cenar con un grupo que no conozco nada, ir de noche a bares a buscar chicos que me hablen de automóviles, fútbol y bronceados, para finalmente, llevarme a la cama uno o dos por noche. Luego regresar de las vacaciones y contarles a mis amigas oficinistas a cuántos chicos me he agarrado este verano. Contarles con lujos de detalles todo lo que ellos me enseñaron en la cama, todo lo que yo les enseñé.

No quiero que me confundan con una turista aburrida que hace listas de hombres y pone al lado números o estrellas para calificarlos.

Me levanto del suelo. No quiero ser confundida con una de esas chicas, ni yo confundir los rostros de las chicas con con mi vecino.

Miro el mapa con detención, recuerdo el artículo que leí antes de agarrar el bus para acá. Leo el poema de Sylvia Plath que venía leyendo en el bus:


Canción de amor de la joven loca

Cierro los ojos y el mundo muere;
Levanto los párpados y nace todo nuevamente.
(Creo que te inventé en mi mente).

Las estrellas salen valseando en azul y rojo,
Sin sentir galopa la negrura:
Cierro los ojos y el mundo muere.



Creo que es uno de los mejores poemas que he leído en mi vida. Se lo enviaré por SMS a mi vecino. Lo escribo. Un SMS. Segundo SMS. Tercer SMS: Se fueron. Espero su respuesta.

Recuerdo a Sylvia. Ella se escribía con su madre. Apuntó en su diario, o en las cartas a su madre el año 1956, años en que pasó por esta ciudad con Ted: "Tan pronto como divisé aquel pueblecito... después de una hora de viajar en autobús a través de montes desiertos de arena roja, huertos de olivos y matorrales, todo tan típico, y vi aquel mar azul centelleante, la limpia curva de sus playas, sus inmaculadas casas y calles –todo, con una pequeña y relumbrante ciudad de ensueño–, sentí instintivamente, igual que Ted, que ése era nuestro lugar...".

Ted seguro estaba afuera mirando a las chicas mientras ella escribía sus textos; miraba a cada chica que pasaban mientras Sylvia se dedicaba a escribir, a leer, a decirle cosas bellas a su madre. A veces me siento como Sylvia, como Alejandra Pizarnik, como Simone de Beauvoir, como cualquiera que ha sido engañada por un hombre que se las da de escritor.

Escondo el mapa, lo guardo, me da terror parecer por un segundo a estos turistas que se pasean por Benidorm, es también la forma de olvidarlo; de olvidar esa noche y las otras, todas las noches; aparte de que no es bueno para el sí mismo, el sí mismo se desorganiza, se aleja de la unidad a la que debiéramos todos aspirar, se estremece, se desarticula, se va a la mierda. Lo sé por experiencia propia, desde niña siento que tengo divididos mi inteligencia de mis emociones, busco reunirlas en una, pero mis estados afectivos son tan potentes, que a veces destruyen todo lo que soy capaz de construir con el intelecto y ¡adiós!

También la conciencia de sí la tengo alterada, sólo me siento una especie de punto negro idiota y malformado. Cuando logro algo que buscaba hace tiempo, me digo a mí misma que es una ilusión, que no es una situación real, que es una ilusión, que es el simulacro de ese logro, su lado B, su impostura.

Camino. Busco la calle Tomás de Ortuño, es ahí donde se quedaron ambos. Intento no preguntar a nadie, que piensen que soy muda. Camino quince minutos, no encuentro la calle Tomás de Ortuño, es al parecer una de las arterias de este infierno. Calle que antes estaba en las afueras de la ciudad. Sylvia se pudo dedicar a escribir y leer con tranquilidad mientras Ted debe haber salido a dar sus paseos de galán de pueblo, a buscarse unas mujeres, alemanas, francesas y lo que viniera.

T de Turista,
T de tarado,
T de tontera,
T de Ted.
T de Ted, te odio.


Doy con la calle. Es realmente la calle más bulliciosa de la ciudad. “Por la calle empinada suben del pueblo los últimos carros tirados por burros, familias que vuelven a sus hogares en las montañas”, escribía Sylvia en las cartas a su madre cuando describió la ciudad. Pero ahora no es así. Ahora es la California de España; chicos con músculos las siguen a las heladerías o a buscar una cerveza. Sé que acá mi vecino, que de seguro también es un turista, estaría encantado, mientras yo odio esta ciudad; la odio con toda mi alma, la aborrezco; él sí se sentiría encantado. Yo no, yo odio a ese hombre, a Ted.

Miro hacia todos lados. Es un sitio horrible. Ni siquiera podría llegar a decir cosas cuerdas acerca de él. No sé por qué ellos vinieron a este sitio, no me lo explico. No tengo la menor idea de esa decisión. Es de los peores sitios que he pisado en mi vida. Hay una avenida para patinar e ir de pantalón corto. Las mujeres intentan estar muy bronceadas y mostrar el ombligo, no sé para qué, asunto de cada uno, yo jamás estaría bronceada ni intentaría mostrar mi ombligo. No es mi problema eso, el punto es que vine a buscar el sitio en que se alojó Sylvia Plath y Ted Hughes y no doy con él. Vine a pisar tierra de turistas para olvidarme de mi vecino. Vine a matarlo desde el fondo; a matar el amor que me negó el supuesto cielo que él anunciaba.

Recibo un mensaje de texto: “¿Para qué me escribes eso?”.

Lo ignoro. Camino. Recuerdo la dulzura de Sylvia.

No veo ahora los paisajes de Sylvia. No lo veo, no veo a las vacas y a las mujeres que llevaban cacharros con leche. Dónde estará el sitio. Camino. Escondo el mapa. Camino. Me arrepiento de haber venido, me produce una gran repulsión y un gran asco. No sé cómo Sylvia Plath pudo estar aquí. Ni siquiera lo creo. Ted Hughes sí, él era igual a mi vecino. De eso me he dado cuenta al llegar a esta ciudad horrible, que Ted Hughes es igual a mi vecino, hacía los mismos gestos de ver desfilar a mujeres por avenidas y patios, y por lo tanto quiero sepultarlos a ambos, tal vez agarrarlos, ir a dejarlos a un pueblo fantasma.

Camino. Quiero estar tranquila. Quiero dejar de pensar en esta ciudad horrible, en esta ciudad que huele a USA, en esta ciudad que quiero dinamitar porque hombres como Ted, hombres como el turista lo han arruinado todo. Han dejado todo en el suelo.

T de Ted,
T de turista.
T de Tonto,
de tontera,
T de turbio,
T de tara, de tú, tacón, tarima, tacaño, tasa, tao te King, terruño, tuyo, toldo, tilde, Tetuán, Tse Tse, todos, tantos, timos, tierra, terra, tieso, tentar.

Unos hombres me hablan en inglés, me preguntan por una calle, les digo que no sé en español, otros me hablan en francés y suena el ritmo de las guayaberas, de una música horrible, espantosa, suena una música infernal que viene de los autos que pasan a toda velocidad, pasan chicas con el ombligo afuera, todos pasan cerca de todo, hay roces, y recuerdo cuando conocí al vecino el día que llegué a España; día del que no he podido desligarme, situación que se repite, situación de tener a este hombre que es una especie de representante de otro hombre, que de seguro lo fue de otro y así, hasta lograr una gran cadena de hombres y desastrosos amores vencidos por una situación y otra y otra, hasta el fin.

He llegado a la calle. Camino mirando los números. Camino. Miro los números: 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, etc. He llegado al número. Es este el sitio. Lo sé. Toco el timbre de la casa para ver si alguien vive acá aún; no me abre nadie, vuelvo a tocar y nadie, tal vez se han ido a la playa. Forcejeo la puerta, está dura, difícil de abrir, no abre, saco un alicate que llevo en el bolso, golpeo la cerradura, la golpeo, la golpeo, la rompo, le doy nuevamente, le doy fuerte, termino de romperla, cae al suelo, abro la puerta, entro, ¿aló?, ¿aló?, digo, no hay nadie al parecer, no, no hay nadie, entro, voy mirando en las habitaciones, miro en una, en otra, voy entrando en cada una de ellas, al parecer acá no vive nadie es una casa abandonada, es raro. ¿Aló?, hay algunas fotografías, recortes antiguos, hay algunos cuadernos, hay algunos escritos en el suelo. ¿Aló?, ¿aló?, hay alguien aquí, ¿aló?; parece que no hay nadie en este sitio, aunque hay un olor a ropa vieja, ¿aló?, hay olor a polvo, a encierro, ¿aló? al parecer hace años que esto no se abría, ¿aló?, ¿aló?, creo que nadie ha entrado a este sitio en años, hay telas de arañas, hay mucho polvo, humedad, papeles en el suelo, está hecho un asco, qué asco, hay mucho polvo, estornudo; tal vez debía haberme quedado en casa o haber llamado a mi vecino una vez más, recibir un “no puedo” una vez más, vestirme de hombre y pasar desapercibida, seguirlo por los bares que sé que frecuenta, seguro que nadie se daría cuenta de que yo estaba allí y podría haberle seguido luego hasta su casa para saber con quién iba a dormir, y luego huir si es que llegaba a ver a ese hombre que lo seguía, o incluso dispararle por todo lo que me ha ido haciendo estos meses.

¿Aló? Creo que mi voluntad y el temor son mucho más potentes. ¿Aló?, creo que jamás voy a matarme por el vecino ése, creo que jamás; sigo caminando, ¿aló?, ¿aló?, hay alguien aquí, la verdad es que se ve extrañísimo este sitio, tal vez no lo abrían desde que ella murió a los treinta y un años; ¿aló?, ¿aló?, yo voy a cumplir treinta y un años el mes que viene y no quiero morir como Sylvia, siempre he tenido miedo de correr la misma suerte que algunas escritoras, ¿aló?, y que después el turista dijera que él me amó mucho mientras yo vivía y se quede con todos mis manuscritos inéditos y los venda a agentes y editores, ¿aló?, hola, hay alguien en casa, la verdad es que no creo que me suceda, si mi vecino apenas me conoce, no estamos casados como Sylvia y Ted, apenas lo he visto tres veces en mi vida, pero no sé, uno nunca sabe, ¿hay alguien en casa?; sólo sé que quiero que me deje de perseguir su imagen; no soporto tener su imagen en mi cabeza, es como una especie de demonio, tal vez debería quedarme en esta habitación a dormir algunos días; ¿aló?, ¿aló?; es una habitación cálida al fin y al cabo, no es nada de ruidosa, podría terminar de escribir la novela que debo entregar a mi editor la semana que viene, tal vez aquí, ¿aló?, ¿aló?, con este silencio sí que me inspiraría del todo y podría definitivamente acabar de escribir todo lo que me falta por escribir; esas novelas que he venido dibujando en mi cabeza hace años, ¿aló?, ¿aló? Siento unos ruidos, risas, son turistas, sí, son turistas, hablan en otro idioma, hablan en inglés, hablan en francés, hablan, hablan, ¿aló?, ¿aló?, hola, Thanks you; ¿está Sylvia aquí? Qué raro, qué extraño que ahora haya turistas en este sitio, hablan, hablan, ríen. Me siento en la cama. Si me preguntan algo, les diré que esta es mi casa, que se vayan inmediatamente de aquí, que este es un sitio privado. ¿Aló?

Me encerraré en una habitación y pondré una cama como refuerzo; me quedaré aquí unos días, lo necesito. Ahora que me falta poco para cumplir mis treinta y un años, quisiera estar cerca de Sylvia, de la casa en que vivió, pero realmente no sé si fue buena opción venir acá. Me siento rara, el corazón se me ha acelerado. Tal vez debí quedarme en Barcelona. Me siento débil. Me siento sin deseos de seguir, creo que no lo tolero. No me la puedo, no puedo más, no alcanzo a procesar todo eso de ambos mundo. No sé cómo es que se procesa. T de Ted. T de tú. Me pondré a rezar un poco, siempre rezar me alivia la ansiedad, me alivia de todo el miedo que le tengo a mi vecino. Rezar quita el miedo, el temor a estos paseos que no sé por qué doy. No tengo claridad de por qué estoy aquí aparte de sentir que quería venir a la tierra en donde estuvo Sylvia Plath con Ted Hughes para ver si se me pasaba el miedo a estar cerca de mi vecino. Para ver si lo olvidaba. La mente la tengo dividida entre el mundo real y el mundo ficcionado; entre el mundo de mis emociones y el de mi intelecto. Hay una barrera entre ambos mundos que no sé unir. ¿Aló?, he venido acá a intentar hacer esa unión, pero no sé si me resulte, no sé si me siento bien haciéndolo, ¿aló?, ¡Salga!

Me acuesto en la cama que debe de haber sido de ella. Seguro que éste era su despacho. Se parece a lo que ella me ha dicho que es su despacho. Es igual, es exactamente lo mismo. Pero yo sólo quiero olvidar a mi turista. Permíteme olvidarlo, por favor, permíteme, lo necesito, quiero dejar de pensar en él, por favor, en esta casa tal vez podría hacerlo; T de tú, T de Todo, T de Ted, Te de Turista. ¿Aló?

Sé que debo razonar. Entender que estoy en una situación horrible, espantosa. No debí venir a Benidorm. ¿Cuánto me demoraré en regresar? Extraño mi casa en Barcelona, cuánto extraño mis cosas. Mi cueva. Twittear en mi cueva. Luego cerrar los ojos y descansar. Creo que te inventé en mi mente. Cuando estaba sola en casa pensaba que él podía llegar. A veces el timbre sonaba y pensaba que era él. Cierro los ojos y creo que lo inventé en mi mente. ¡Salga, hemos dicho! Eso lo tuve que aprender a pulso de soledades.

Abro los ojos y veo un espejo enorme en el techo. Veo mi imagen en ese espejo. Aprendí a extrañar desde lejos, ¿aló? ¡Entraremos! Extrañar sin tener a ese otro y pasé así la frontera que divide todo esto de las necesidades y los cuerpos reales; la posibilidad de tener algo y la necesidad de tenerlo. Todo lo material, ya sean cuerpos, dinero, comida que quiero, no la obtengo; sólo esa necesidad se queda suspendida en una especie de diario mural y la observo, a veces se me acerca y me lleva a cometer actos como el de pedir algo para que esa necesidad se cumpla, desde solicitudes a santos, como a personas de carne y hueso; llamadas telefónicas para conseguir algo, reuniones y encuentros fallidos; pero y siempre quedo con la necesidad intacta, allí está, me mira como si la vida no fuese nada, el suceder del tiempo, allí está y al final de todo siempre se queda impávida como una estatua, como una necesidad tan sólo. ¿Aló?

Es cuando siento que las acciones y la voluntad sólo pesan como actos simbólicos, palabras, el cuerpo tal vez no me pertenece, el cuerpo tal vez me fue dado para disimular el daño, el cuerpo tal vez es un sombra, una línea que me ha sido dada para llegar a la gran representación, ¿aló?, a la gran idea, el cuerpo me está vedado y me debo quedar en esta gran idea de todo, por más que he intentado años llegar tan solo a comer y amar. ¿Aló?

No me veo en el espejo. ¿Dónde estoy?

Ok. Ok, Ok, grito, grito, hay un eco espantoso. ¡Ok! ¡Vine a Benidorm, lo acepto! ¡Vine, vine aquí, estoy aquí, vine a buscar esto de Sylvia Plath! ¡Vine a mirar si era posible que esta ciudad existiera independiente de mi voluntad, de mi cuerpo, porque mi cuerpo ya sólo existe en relación a la idea esa de sujeto, y al llegar acá me di cuenta de que Benidorm sí existía; sí es un algo real, sí es, pero no es lo que en su momento fue para ellos!

Dejo de gritar.
Me siento agotada.
Me canso.
Me tiro al suelo.
Saco mi cuaderno.

Anoto: dos escritores pasaban su luna de miel y se extasiaban de la sencillez del pueblo y de las mujeres que bajaban por agua. ¡Ok! Lamento no poder disfrutar de eso ahora, sólo escuchar desde lejos a ese grupete de turistas que se han entrometido en mi espacio sagrado.

¿Aló?, ¿aló? Hay alguien dentro. Tal vez quieren matarme. Qué horror, no debí venir acá. Han forcejeado la puerta, escucho. ¿Dónde está?, dice un hombre. Salga de ahí, gritan. Yo quiero que a algunos les puede parecer una mierda, quiero hacer lo siguiente en esta casa en que habitó Sylvia Plath: establecer la regla entre la necesidad y la obtención de ella, con su excepción también. ¡Salga! ¡Salga o disparamos!

A mayor brecha entre objeto necesitado y satisfacción de ese objeto, mayor nobleza de alma y espíritu. ¡Salga, hemos dicho! Al parecer lleva un arma, gritan. Salga o disparamos. ¡Entregue el arma!

No va a salir. Vuelve a sonar de forma la puerta, vuelvo a sentir de forma estrepitosa la puerta, no sé si tengo puerta, no sé si escucho, creo que te inventé en mi mente, creo que te inventé en mi mente, pero igual sigo pensando en ti, maldito vecino, maldición, mejor morir si no te olvido, como en las películas, qué horror, qué patético; no va a salir, tiene un arma. Espero que no vuelvas a aparecer en mi cabeza, en mis emails, en mis plataformas todas y ésas que siempre apareces, sin decirme nada y sin yo decirte algo; algo simple, aunque sea algo sencillo, inútil, sin sentido, algunos no entienden esto, pero yo no debí venir a este sitio a estar como Sylvia esperando a que un hombre de cualquier tipo me amara; déjala que no ha hecho nada, ¡salga!, intenta robarnos todo lo que tenemos, es una delincuente. Se ha metido en nuestra casa, está en nuestra habitación, estará robando. Y yo que quería que me dijera cosas bellas y gratas, y que estuviese al fin. Ha sido por decirlo de una forma algo complejo, triste. ¡Salga! No, no dispares, tal vez es sólo una indigente. Salga. Lo siento, dispararé, no me fío, debe tener un arma. Salga. T de Turista, T de Ted, T de tú. Tú abres la puerta y yo disparo. ¡Ahora! Creo que te inventé en mi mente. T de Ted, T de turista, T de T amo, de T odio, ¿qué haces? Ten cuidado, ¿qué haces? ¿Qué haces tú en nuestro hogar? Este no es tu hogar. Vete. Es mi sitio. Es el mío. Hay un hombre que siempre me ha engañado. Hay un hombre que siempre me buscó para engañarme. Y el arma se va a disparar. Lo sé. Déjala. Va a dispararse. Lo sé. Se dispara. Se dispara. Se ha disparado. Escucho de lejos la detonación. Lo siento. Corro. Salgo a la calle. Corro. Uno de ellos tal vez ha muerto.

Creo que te inventé en mi mente. Corro. Corro. Cruzo Benidorm corriendo. Llego a la estación. Sudo. Agarro el bus hasta Gandía. Creo que te inventé en mi mente. Me deben venir siguiendo. Luego hasta Valencia. Barcelona. Estación de Sants. Me bajo. Me compro la T-10. Me subo al metro. Una sola parada. Metro Universitat. Toco el timbre de tu casa. Nadie me abre. Subo. Igual logro entrar. Hola, hola. ¿Hay alguien aquí? Hola, hola. Me desnudo, me pongo tu traje. Me desnudo. Me pongo tu pijama. Uso tu cepillo de dientes. Tu After Shave. Tu perfume. Me perfumo mucho. Me fumo el cigarrillo que dejaste en la mesa de noche. Me tomo un vaso de tu whisky. Me acuesto en tu cama. Me duermo, despierto. Comienzo a prepararme el desayuno. Una tostada y aceite de oliva. Café negro y cargado. Saco la cafetera. Está caliente. Me quemo un poco. El café está demasiado caliente. Me gusta frío. Me llega un SMS. Nuevamente será ella que me llama para fastidiarme. Es un SMS vacío. Maldita, ya no la soporto. Voy al cajón de mi velador. Abro la puerta de su casa. Ahí está sentada. Disparo.

martes, 13 de abril de 2021

City Unknown, by Arelis Uribe, translated by Allison Braden

 When I was little, my cousin and I used to kiss each other. We dressed up our Barbies, built houses in the dirt, and played hand games. I stayed at her house every other weekend. We slept in her bed. Sometimes we’d take off our pajama tops and play around, touching our nipples to each other. At the time, they were barely two pink stains on a flat torso. My cousin and I had been together since forever: Our moms got pregnant two months apart. They breastfed us together and changed our diapers together. We got chicken pox together. It almost went without saying that when we grew up, we would live together and play house with dolls, but in real life. I thought it would be me and her, always. But adults mess things up.

There were seven siblings in my mom’s family. Three men and four women. The men lived like the brothers they were. They had studied engineering at the same university, liked the same soccer team, and got together to talk about wine and watches. The four women were a disaster. One left to work in Puerto Montt. We were lucky to see her at Christmas. Another followed a boyfriend and had a bunch of kids and lives in Australia now. She barely existed. The two that stayed—my mom and my cousin’s mom, my Aunt Nena—married brutish men. My dad was an animal and so was my cousin’s dad. Like those people who get drunk on New Year’s and make everyone else cry. I never saw the seven siblings reunited. Sometimes we’d run into each other at funerals or when our grandparents celebrated an anniversary. Once, we went to one of our uncles’ plots of land, and there were peacocks in the yard. Pandora, an enormous mutt who killed our neighbors’ cats, barely fit in our house. I never understood why we lived so differently if we were from the same family.

My mom and my Aunt Nena were similar, which is why they were friends. People tend to group themselves by type, in a voluntary segregation, like blood donations or the recycling. Until one day, I don’t remember why, they got mad at each other. Maybe because my mom asked Aunt Nena for money and never paid it back. Maybe because my aunt came to lunch and criticized the food. I don’t know, but they got mad at each other, and what always happens in a family like mine happened: instead of resolving their problems, they quit speaking. I suppose it was a truce, an act of faith. They trusted that silence would dissolve the problems and that by not naming them, they would cease to exist.

For my cousin and I, the distance happened by extension. The last important thing we shared was that our periods came around the same time. She had taken out a book from I-don’t-know-where that explained everything. It had drawings of a man and a woman without clothes on. We read it. That was the first time we touched like that. We checked to see if we had hair. We were alone in her house. That afternoon, my mom came to get me. She yelled at my Aunt Nena about something I didn’t understand, and we never went back.

At first, I kept going to my cousin’s birthdays. I’d go by myself on the bus because my mom didn’t even want to go near Aunt Nena’s house. I’d call her on the phone too, or we’d send each other letters in the mail. The distance grew little by little. Important things happened to me and I didn’t tell her about them. I had a boyfriend, I got involved with his friend, I kept repeating classes, they hospitalized my little brother, I went to night school for senior year. Maybe she found out anyway, because those kinds of screw-ups get around in families. I heard that she won a literary contest, that her parents separated, that she had a cast on one leg, that she left the scouts because a leader touched her. I also found out when she got into the University of Chile to study journalism. She was the oldest cousin and the news spread fast. My uncles were proud that Nena’s daughter had gotten into their university. My grandfather boasted that there would finally be a true intellectual in the family. He imagined her as a reporter at the Supreme Court or something.

I graduated after senior year and started university prep classes. I worked at a candy shop to pay for it. People cheered me on, as if I’d lost an arm and, with hard work, could recover. As if my disability was being too stupid. I didn’t tell anyone and paid my high school math and language teachers to tutor me. The only thing I wanted was to get into the University of Chile, I didn’t care which major. I wanted to prove I could do it. And I did: I got in to study philosophy. At twenty, I was the oldest student. I had to read a ton. I didn’t like it, but I resolved not to drop classes and to finish however I could.

I knew my cousin and I were on the same campus. Sometimes I wanted to run into her. Other times, I was terrified just thinking about it. One Friday, we were drinking out in the grass, and I saw her pass by. She was gorgeous. Shiny black hair down to her waist; her smooth, dark face; a hippie outfit that showed her midriff. I talked to her, and we hugged each other tight. Our chests touched like when we were kids. She invited me to hang out with her group, and I followed her. We smoked weed and told people about the dumb stuff we did when we were ten: The time we choreographed a whole Michael Jackson routine for her dad’s birthday. The year we sold copies of Sailor Moon books in catechism. The summer we founded an ecology club that cut down live trees to preserve their branches for future generations. I watched her laugh, her teeth, the knowing look in her eyes, like when you go to a club and look at a guy who looks back at you and you know and he knows that you’re looking at each other and why.

After that night, it was as if we were chasing each other. I ran into her a lot. In the humanities library, in the dining hall, on the quad. It was always the same. We talked about when we were kids and a little about the university. We didn’t talk about our moms or our soccer fan uncles or our grandfather’s illness at the time. As if our family was only what happened until the day Aunt Nena yelled at my mom, a breakup that marked a before and an after, as irreversible as the birth of Christ or the invention of writing.

The second semester, we happened to take the same seminar. It was eight classes and I saw her in the first one. She was sitting with a tall, blonde guy who had his arm around her. I sat next to her, because I didn’t know anyone else and to mark my territory, like a dog. Like Pandora, who growled at the people who passed my house. The seminar was about Latin America. Each week an expert on a different country would come and talk. The best part was that after the last class we were going to Bolivia. The coordinating professor wanted the experience to be practical. We were going to confirm that the Bolivians were real people and not details from a book or a deranged mass that allied with Peru in 1800 to force its most unpleasant neighbor into submission.

From the workshop, I concluded that if South America was a neighborhood, Chile would be the upstart neighbor that buys a big car and a tiny dog and always uses a checkbook and credit card. My cousin compared it to the TV show El Chavo and said that Chile was the Quico of the Southern Cone. I didn’t say it, but I thought about our family and felt like my uncles were Chile and her mom and my mom were the loser countries, or a mix between Doña Florinda and Don Ramón: miserable housewives, never able to pay the rent.

I talked with my cousin about the trip to Bolivia. She proposed that we go a week early and stay with a friend she’d met at a poetry reading. We got some money from our grandparents, the university gave us a small travel allowance, and we contributed all our savings. My cousin had been to Peru, but for me, it was the first time outside of Chile. We traveled by bus and got to La Paz at dawn. I pulled back the curtain and looked out the window. I noticed the advertising most. There were posters selling cell phones with company names I’d never seen. Obviously every country has businesses with different names—you even see it in the commercials on cable TV, Omo detergent is called Ala in Argentina—but confirming it affected me. I noticed how I felt like a strange body, discovering that my codes weren’t valid there, even though we shared the same language and the same corner of the continent.

We arrived at the Bolivian friend’s house. It was an old building, next to the United States embassy. The apartment was on the fourth floor and had a parquet floor, three big bedrooms, and some sort of yard. There was an enormous bookcase full of titles by authors I didn’t know. The furniture looked like it was from the last century, like the kind they sell at Persa Biobío: fancy, flashy, inherited. The friend showed us to our room and we threw our sleeping bags on the floor. I was exhausted. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow I’d made, stuffed with a jacket and a pair of pants.

The next day we woke up late. Jessica—that was the friend’s name—had already gone to work. We went out to explore. The neighborhood was very green, with enormous mansions. Kind of like Ñuñoa, around the Juan Gómez Millas campus. I never imagined that there would be places like this in Bolivia. We walked toward downtown and that’s when we started seeing the other houses, the ones we would have lived in if we were born Bolivian. They looked like Brazilian favelas: a bunch of little boxes made of bare bricks, piled one on top of the other, covering the mountain. I thought it was just like Valparaíso, but there the misery goes unnoticed behind colorful paint.

We walked to a cyber café. We called our moms but didn’t say we were together. After checking our email, we read the newspaper a little. Later, my cousin called our grandfather, told him we were doing well, and reminded him to please not say anything. My grandfather—so loving when he was alive—said yes, he was on our side. Daughters, he said, had no reason to interfere in the affairs of granddaughters.

We kept exploring and went to the market. We ate some kind of stew, which cost about 500 Chilean pesos. Not even at university had we eaten food so cheap. We walked off our lunch. On the street we saw boys with hoods over their faces who shined shoes. We saw indigenous women carrying their children on their shoulders, like mother kangaroos, who evolved to carry and protect their young longer. We saw bare feet, police chatting and relaxing, and girls with slanted eyes and the reddest, most weather-beaten cheeks in this impossible place.

That night, Jessica made us coca tea and we sat on her terrace to smoke. I knew she worked as a language teacher in a private Montessori school. I knew what the Montessori method was. I knew that Jessica was one of those Jessicas who had English last names. I knew that in her family, she had a senator uncle and a cousin who had been Miss Bolivia.

Jessica invited us to her boyfriend’s house. We arrived at some kind of party full of white people in an apartment as big as Jessica’s. The people there studied at or used to study at the Catholic University of Bolivia. There was wine and slices of raw squash smeared in sour cream. I tried Paceña and a sweet fruit stuffed with cheese. Things I’d never even eaten at my uncle’s house. Some guy heard that we were Chilean and said we had to hear this story. He said: This happened to two Chilean friends in some kind of whorehouse, one of the ones in the center of Santiago, with the windows painted black. They ordered two cheap drinks. One looked at tits, and the other, asses. Then it was “happy hour”—he made air quotes—and this asshole Chilean, who was obsessed with enormous tits, buried his nose in the server’s cleavage. When he pulled away, he had a mouth full of cracker crumbs.

We laughed. It was a filthy anecdote and repulsive stories are always funny.

Everyone got excited and started telling vulgar stories. I didn’t have any, but my cousin did. She said: One time I went to Machu Picchu with the scouts. A lot of dirty things happened on that trip—she ended the sentence with a long, worried sigh, then continued—I’ll tell you what happened on the bus. From Cuzco to the ruins you have to go up the mountains. It’s a dirt road, full of sharp curves, along a cliff. We paid for the cheapest transportation, some trucks that smelled like the projects, with the seats losing their stuffing. The service came to pick you up at 6:30 on the morning of the camping trip. The night before, the leaders had gone out to eat and, even though it was off limits, to drink. The leader in charge of my group was Carlos, too fat and too much of a pisco lover to be a scout. We got in the van and since it was so early, I fell asleep immediately. I took my shoes off so my feet wouldn’t swell up. I left them on the floor, next to the backpack with my lunch, and I curled up on the seat. I had a dream about the rabid breath of a puma chasing me on Huayna Picchu. He roared so loudly that I woke up. I smelled a bitter odor, like something decomposing. An orange liquid ran under my feet, and it had reached my shoes and backpack. I grabbed my shoes. The laces dripped. I looked back and discovered the roaring was real. It wasn’t the puma, but the leader Carlos. He had drunk so much the night before that when the truck began to zigzag up the hills, his body regurgitated everything. It was disgusting, the scout leader Carlos was disgusting.

When my cousin finished her story, the laughs of the audience were awkward and concerned more than happy. My cousin’s face darkened, too. It made me want to hug her, want to have been with her on that trip. I looked at her clavicle and wanted to smell it. To touch her abdomen with the tip of my nose. I looked at her with eyes like a player in the club, and she winked in return. I wished that house where we were going to live existed. I wanted to fall asleep with our bodies together that night. I wanted her to tell me her secrets, to feel her sweet breath on my face.

By that time of night, Jessica was super drunk. She asked all of us if we wanted to hear something really nasty? She didn’t wait for us to respond (I wanted to say no) and started talking. Her grandfather had been an important Bolivian military man, decorated with medals, his name memorialized in history books. His proudest accomplishment, said Jessica, is that he’s the one who gave the order to kill Che. I can’t remember if she said “El Che” or “Ernesto Che Guevara” or “El Comandante Che Guevara,” but I do remember the awful silence that came after. I never found out if it was the first time she’d told her friends or not. After a few seconds, which were as intense as when you hear a song for the first time, Jessica broke the silence and said: But the really disgusting thing is that we never talk about it in my family.

That sentence killed me. The most disgusting thing is that in my family we never talk about it. I took in the words and looked at my cousin. We were both thinking the same thing, about everything vicious and rotten in silenced family secrets.

After Jessica’s story, the get-together started deflating and people began to say goodbye. Jessica said she wanted to stay at her boyfriend’s place and gave us the keys to her apartment. We walked in the dawn, alone and holding hands, through the streets of a city unknown. Dizzy but strangely happy, we laughed at every stupid thing that crossed our path. A poster for Chinese food with a printed photo of the owner, a pay phone that was too small, the top of a tree that looked like my dad’s head.

We got to the apartment and lay together in the sleeping bags on the floor. My cousin snuggled up next to me and began to shake. Gently at first, more violent later. I touched her face, and it was wet with tears. “He came into my tent, and I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to,” she started, repeating those words endlessly, like the soft tap of a hammer. “I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to.” I brought my nose to her mouth and smelled her breath, as sweet as when we were ten. “I didn’t want to either,” I told her. I took her face in my hands, dried her cheeks, and gave her a kiss, deep and slow. “Me either,” I said again, before hugging her and beginning to cry.

translated from the Spanish by Allison Braden



This story first appeared in Arelis Uribe’s collection Quiltras, published in Chile in 2016 by Los Libros de la Mujer Rota and in Spain in 2019 under the Editorial Tránsito imprint.


Arelis Uribe is a Chilean journalist and writer. In 2016, she published her fiction debut, Quiltras, which won the Chilean Ministry of Culture’s annual prize for best book of short stories and was named one the best Latin American books of the year by the New York Times. In 2017, she published Que explote todo, an anthology of her opinion columns. She was director of communications for Beatriz Sánchez’s presidential campaign and at the feminist organization OCAC, which promoted a law against sexual street harassment in Chile. In 2019, she self-published the zine Cosas que pienso mientras fumo marihuana and founded Editorial Negra, her pocket-format poetry imprint. Currently, she is composing songs and studying for a master’s in creative writing at New York University.

Allison Braden is a writer and translator based in Charlotte, North Carolina. She serves as editor-at-large for Argentina for Asymptote, editorial assistant for the journal Translation & Interpreting Studies, and contributing editor for Charlotte magazine. Her journalism has appeared in The Daily Beast and Columbia Journalism Review, among others. Her interest in cross-cultural communication has led her all over the world, from Bangladesh, where she was a Fulbright fellow in 2014, to Venezuela, where she participated in The Carter Center’s election observation mission after Hugo Chávez’s death. Her translations have appeared in Asymptote and Massachusetts Review, and she is currently seeking publication for her translation of Arelis Uribe’s short story collection, Quiltras.

lunes, 12 de abril de 2021

Las Heridas, de Arelis Uribe (Planeta): "Novela breve, honesta, muy bien escrita y armada de poderosas emociones"

La historia comienza el 14 de febrero, el Día del Amor, y termina 20 días después, luego de un funeral. En ella hay amor, por cierto, pero también pérdidas: la del padre y la de la relación amorosa más importante de la narradora. Heridas y rupturas que estremecen la vida de Arelis, la protagonista, y activan la memoria. La primera novela de la autora de Quiltras nace de las heridas, y se mueve entre el presente y un pasado sembrado de dolores: la pobreza, la enfermedad, el fracaso familiar, la violencia de las desigualdades sociales y de género. Un pasado donde leemos también el despertar de la rebeldía, el hallazgo de la identidad y de una visión sobre el mundo. “La muerte es la herida que absorbe todas las heridas”, dice la narradora de esta novela breve, honesta, muy bien escrita y armada de poderosas emociones. Novela familiar y de formación, relato generacional, Las heridas amplía el sobresaliente proyecto narrativo de Arelis Uribe.

https://www.latercera.com/culto/2021/04/09/resenas-de-libros-de-oliver-sacks-a-arelis-uribe/?outputType=amp

viernes, 9 de abril de 2021

Florilegio de entrevistas de Cecilia Pavón

Cecilia Pavón en Columbia University

http://laiccolumbia.reclaim.hosting/journal-graduate-research/entrevista-cecilia-pavon/

Cecilia Pavón (Mendoza, 1973) es escritora, traductora, editora, artista y parte de la colectividad Belleza y Felicidad. Formada en Letras en la Universidad de Buenos Aires, ha vivido en la ciudad desde 1992. Sus publicaciones incluyen los libros: A Hotel With My Name (Scrambler Books, 2015), Belleza y Felicidad (Sand Paper Press, 2015), Un hotel con mi nombre (Mansalva, 2012), Los sueños no tienen copyright (Blatt & Ríos, 2010), 27 poemas con nombres de persona (Triana, 2010), Once sur (Blatt & Ríos, 2013), Caramelos de anís (Belleza y Felicidad 2004) los blogs Cecilia Pavón y Once sur (oncesur.blogspot.com). Ha traducido Proximidad del amor de Tracey Emin (Mansalva, 2012), Verano del odio de Chris Kraus, con Claudio Iglesias, (Eterna Cadencia, 2014), entre muchos más. 


Creo que la intuición es muy importante en la traducción, que todo lo que rodea el acto de traducir influye en el trabajo final. Como decía antes, las afinidades electivas, el por qué uno decide o no traducir algo, ya está marcando cómo quedará la traducción. No es lo mismo traducir un poeta porque uno se enamoró de su obra que traducirlo por encargo, creo que lo afectivo también juega un rol principal en la traducción.

Pienso que las tecnologías están relacionadas con la visión del mundo de una época, eso no se puede negar. Vivimos en la era de las redes sociales, quizá toda la literatura de Belleza y Felicidad era, un poco intuitivamente, una forma de adaptar el lenguaje a esas formas de la tecnología que estaban en ciernes. (En 1999, en Argentina todavía no había cámaras de fotos digitales por ejemplo, ni banda ancha). Pero también pienso que la poesía es algo antiguo que va adaptándose a cualquier formato a lo largo de los siglos o milenios, en ese sentido podría decirse que el formato en que se publica un poema es azaroso porque lo que transmite la poesía es mucho más antiguo, casi atávico o biológico. Pienso a la poesía como una necesidad biológica antes que cultural.


Cecilia Pavón: "Escribo en primera persona para reírme de mí misma"

https://www.eternacadencia.com.ar/blog/contenidos-originales/entrevistas/item/cecilia-pavon-escribo-en-primera-persona-para-reirme-de-mi-misma.html

Siempre pienso que el yo o la primera persona son solo una excusa para transmitir un estado afectivo, una percepción del mundo a partir del afecto, un universo concebido y experimentado antes que nada desde la emoción, quizás porque vengo de la poesía, para mí lo más importante en la escritura es siempre la emoción. Y el humor, que es una de las emociones centrales de la vida, no sé si lo logro pero al menos lo intento que el yo sea siempre un chiste sobre el yo, digamos que escribo en primera persona para reírme de mí misma, de las cosas que me pasan. Yo diría que mi ideal es lograr que la vida real deje su gravedad de vida real y se transforme en poema. No sé si lo logro, pero lo intento.

La ficción para mí tiene que ver con lo que está pasando aquí y ahora, con reconfirmar que el mundo existe, que no es un sueño y que, al mismo tiempo, también puede ser cualquier cosa distinta, como si todo lo que pasa en la realidad tuviera la potencialidad de tener un final abierto, algo así... Percibir el presente pero intuyendo el futuro que hay en él.

Belleza y Felicidad fue como escribir un poema pero en tres dimensiones y fuera de la página, en ese sentido fue un lugar muy literario. Como mucha gente dijo, la mezcla de poesía y artes visuales en un espacio era y sigue siendo algo bastante raro. En general, las disciplinas se manejan más bien por carriles separados. Belleza y Felicidad fue una especie de sueño, capricho, o de alucinación, tres cosas que para mí tiene que tener la literatura sí o sí.

Cecilia Pavón: “Una editorial independiente es una forma de crítica literaria más potente que la de los diarios”

https://loqueleimos.com/2015/11/cecilia-pavon/

Yo fui al taller de Arturo Carrera cuando tenía veinte años y recién empezaba a escribir y me sirvió mucho, no sé si en términos de “formación” sino de experiencia de vida. A todos los que vienen a mi taller en realidad les digo que no les puedo enseñar a escribir sino que se trata solo de un espacio para experimentar y compartir, también es una especie de terapia donde hablamos de nuestra vida sentimental, o de política y de cómo todo se relaciona con la poesía. No sé, no tengo muy claro el método que uso ni nada, creo en lo espontáneo y en la improvisación y en transmitir autores, creo que después todo se da solo.

En los cuentos me siento como un personaje de una obra de teatro que exagera en todo y a la vez trata de decir la verdad… porque la literatura para mí siempre es en un punto exageración, un acto de deformación de la realidad. En los cuentos trato de buscar un concepto y desarrollar todo en torno a eso, no creo en contar algo o en el verosímil o en la psicología del personaje, los cuentos que me gustan son más bien los que tienen una idea, como los de Borges.

Ese cuento habla de la lucha entre distintos paradigmas del arte, el que sostiene ese chico alemán, basado en la música clásica y otro, más americano diría yo, basado en la experiencia cotidiana. Obviamente esa afirmación es irónica, bueno, todo ese cuento es irónico, fui a un festival de poesía en Alemania y la gente me pareció solemne y grandilocuente, gente joven que se había olvidado de la subcultura y el rock y hablaba de Schubert… y pensé: “Este continente está mal”.

Sí, siempre me gustó el rock y los primeros poemas que escuché eran canciones de Charly García, Virus, Soda Stereo, cuando tenía diez u once años. A los doce me acuerdo que escuchaba todo el día sin parar un disco de Charly García, Piano Bar, estaba fascinada, creo que había más poesía ahí que en muchos poetas. Es una cosa generacional, me parece.